1 – 20 Lb. Yellow Tabby Cat (Adopted for $25.00)
1 – 18 oz. bottle Critter Shampoo ($5.00)
12 – Of your finest embroidered giant fluffy towels (On hand)
1 – Enclosed Bathroom (Comes with abode)
1 – Box Band-Aids ($3.50)
1 – tube first aid ointment ($2.99)
Camera to record historical event $100.00)
I Bottle Hennessy Cognac ($3,500.00)
Clean Kitty . . . . PRICELESS!
First, prior to introducing kitty to the small, enclosed bathroom, run water into bath tub to about 3 to 6 inches depth. Make sure it is not too hot or too cold. Kitty will not enjoy getting boiled alive OR hypothermia!
Next, calmly, and without letting on what is about to occur, find kitty (usually sprawled on top of your best down comforter in the bedroom) and show her how much you love and adore her, by picking her up and stroking and talking incredibly childish gibberish to her (which she doesn’t understand a word of anyway!)
While gently caressing and cooing to kitty, enter the bathroom, and close and bolt the door to prevent escape. Side note: make sure toilet seat lid is down to avoid additional route of escape.
Continue talking sweetly to kitty, telling her how much you love her, and how beautiful she will look when she is all squeaky clean, as you gently immerse her feet first into the nice warm bath water. (You may have to grow a couple extra hands to ensure that she does not escape).
Kitty may not like getting her little paws wet, and will skitter about in the water, dowsing you and the floor as the water agitates wildly. This is not a problem . . . continue speaking gently and calmly to kitty as she thrashes about uncontrollably.
Use your free hand to simultaneously open the bottle of critter shampoo (that you should have done prior to immersing kitty, but forgot) . . . all the while holding kitty in the tub as she claws wildly at the sides, trying to escape. Gently pour a little shampoo onto kitty’s back, and massage with both hands.
Once you have kitty all soaped up, and nice and slippery, she will inevitably squirt from your hands as you kneel next to the tub, and immediately climb up over your shoulder, winding up hanging upside down on your back, with all four sets of claws firmly embedded in your skin. Do not panic . . . as her soggy tail is whipping to and fro, smacking you in the cheek. It will be almost impossible to remove kitty from your back, so you must call for assistance from your mate/partner/boyfriend/husband (whoever is within a twenty mile radius and hears you screaming in agony) to come and assist with removal of kitty from your backside. This may take a while, as aforementioned mate/partner/boyfriend/husband, or whoever, will be sitting in your living room, howling with laughter at the horrific screams emitting from you as your are literally slashed to smithereens by your not so happy kitty clinging upside down to your shredded back!
Once kitty has determined that your backside is sufficiently ripped to shreds, she will eventually exit on her own (as your mate continues to howl with laughter in the other room). You must at this time, STOP screaming in agony, and begin speaking to kitty again in baby talk tones, to facilitate getting her back into the tub to rinse the shampoo off. Pay no attention to the torrents of water and blood streaming down your back, the sweat pouring from your brow, or the pain in your knees from slipping awkwardly around on the linoleum floor, this will pass with time (and perhaps a shot or two of fine brandy!)
Proceed to rinse kitty as quickly as you can, and use 2 of your finest towels to quickly bundle her up ensuring that the dreaded claws are securely encased within the towel to prevent further damage to your face and torso. Do NOT attempt to blow dry kitty! Remember she is only howling and hissing out of pure love for you. This is her way of showing you how much she loves her bath.
After kitty wrangles herself free from your two towels and proceeds to hi-tail it to your bedroom (still soaking wet of course) she will gleefully wallow on your comforter to dry herself (hence no need to blow dry).
With the remaining 10 fluffy towels, proceed to mop up the water on the bathroom floor, walls, and other assorted bathroom fixtures.
After prying your loved one from the living room, have them generously apply antiseptic ointment to the gaping wounds on your back, open the box of band-aids and apply generously to cover the multitude of gouges on your back, being careful to remove any claws that may have worked themselves loose in the melee.
Drink cognac straight from the bottle . . . you deserve it!
Oh, yes, and last but not least . . . Don’t forget to take a picture of your squeaky clean kitty before she goes outside and rolls in the dirt!